Demi matahari dan sinarnya di pagi hari..Demi bulan apabila ia mengiringi..Demi siang hari bila menampakkan dirinya..Demi malam apabila ia menutupi..Demi langit beserta seluruh binaannya..Demi bumi serta yang ada di hamparannya..Demi jiwa dan seluruh penyempurnaannya..Allah mengilhamkan sukma kefasikan dan ketaqwaan…Beruntung bagi yang mensucikan-Nya…Merugi bagi yang mengotori-Nya…( QS Asy-Syamsy)When I first experienced this achingly beautiful poetry (or so I thought) during the beginning of the course, I fell in love with it. Was I in for a pleasant surprise. It was indeed a Surrah. At that moment I knew I was missing out. Wouldn't you feel betrayed by yourself if in all this while you did not realize that ultimate aesthetics and revelation had been hidden in a page, in that Book glazed rough with dust in your shelf? One Surrah that locks the creation of the Universe and the meaning of your existence in such ode, while I was busy quoting Emo.
I remembered moments where I put faced my palms in prayer in the dark, and it suddenly dawned to me that I am a slave, only begging for mercy. Yet infinite love has been given to this sorry slave. I was born a Muslim, though I did not ask to be given such privilege. This to me was ultimate grace, from Ar-Ra'uf, He who is Most Kind. I felt drops of wet repentance on the tips of my fingers as I bowed with relevance, this time. This time, I did not bow because childhood and growing up had taught me this was a sign of piousness. I bowed because, I submitted. Some of my regret, I was able to taste and it was salty as tears have always been.
I remembered flashes of different things as I prayed. I remembered moments where I screamed in anger at my mother, disregarded my father, insulted my brother. I remembered selfishness, I remembered disrespect. I remembered maksiat with detest. I remembered countless of times I have lived my days purposely not performing my solat in protest over all the sadness and frustration in my life. I remembered Ayun's pale yellow face against Kapan. I remembered holding Piji's hand while he coughed the last time I saw him. I remembered my late brother's cheeky smile, the one that matched mine. All of this made me cry, but none touched me as deep as when I remembered turning my back against Allah for forsaking me. I sobbed so hard when I realized, all the nights I dampened my pillows, these nights when I felt completely alone and unloved...no one could hear me but He. No one could ever understand me but Al-Muhaymin, The Guardian Who watches over and Protector of all things. How could I have thought I was abandoned when He was there with me all this time?
I also discovered my ignorance of the Rasulullah, peace be upon him. I ask myself, how do you love a stranger? Indeed he was a stranger to me, but it is only caused by my own doing. This was a man who bled for me, fought wars for me, asked for a lighter load on my shoulders while he was still alive, and will ask for amnesty for me in the Afterlife. Rasulullah does not know me yet he devoted his life so that I may get a shot at Paradise. A man of such and yet I could not spare him any tears. When the speaker ended the story of The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) with "Ummati...Ummati...Ummati." (my people...my people...my people.) as his last words before passing, I cried for a Rasul who for the longest time was a stranger forced upon me to love.
The most amazing part of the training was that it managed to convince me that by following the 5 Pillars of Islam and 6 Pillars of Faith, I was good to go here & for Eternity. And this is a babe who can't be bothered to cover her mouth when she yawns because it's believed to supply more oxygen to the brain. Like how the syahadah teaches us the ultimate commitment and how zakat demonstrates divine strategic collaboration that is the answer to all socioeconomic ails. Subhan'Allah...such perfection in all aspects. I now truly understand that Islam is the greatest relevance.
As for now, I am incredibly grateful I was able to attend such spiritual cleansing. In one of the activities that involved catharsis
1. (4) catharsis, katharsis, abreaction -- ((psychoanalysis) purging of emotional tensions)we were asked to sit facing a stranger that we must embrace while taking turns asking
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" at first throughout 30 seconds straight, then
"WHO ARE YOU?" for another 30 seconds
and the interrogated is not allowed to give the same answer twice. If they do, the interrogator must coax them by gently swaying their body or tapping them on their back. Before the activity began I didn't expect we were going to imagine death approaching before being yelled at by a booming voice asking these questions with terrifying sounds of recorded screams in the background. It scared the
SHIT out of me. With the right frame of mind, you'd think you were in the middle of End of Days and there you were, shaking while someone asked you what you wanted and who the hell you were. I was shaking when it was my turn to be interrogated and sobbing like a hopeless ape, like seriously. I was scared, I could not answer these two questions amidst my bawling. Astaghfirullah...what will happen when Munkar and Nakir comes a calling?
I myself am not sure whether I am anew or if I should be so foolish to soil myself with old habits. At the end of the course I secretly prayed I would meet someone who would guide me further throughout my life, far flung from my previous list of
- smart
- funny
- hot
- but not too hot, etc. (this could go on for scroll infinity as I am OCD by default)
If it may occur that I shall forget, let it be that this blog reminds me so. You as my friends are ever so welcomed to prompt me as well. I do not wish to be judged by any but He, I only ask for your prayers and good will. May my sins be forgiven, InsyaAllah.
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